whos that girl?

I believe there is a perfect woman for every man and a perfect man for every woman. In other words I believe in soul mates. I don’t think any one person is just bad inside out, when people break up it’s because they were not with their correct match. One man’s meat is a another man’s poison, they always say. This is why some people realise that when they break up with their exes they ironically become good friends- this is evidence that they are not supposed to be in a commitment-driven relationship and they are better off with no strings attached to each other.

I’ve often had to adapt myself to fit into a role which I assume I’m supposed to be playing in any given relationship. I’ve been accused of being a good girl this is because I always want people (who I love) to see the best side of me. Thus, when a friend comes to me with a problem I try to be a shoulder to cry on without losing sight of the fact that s/he needs a solution. I have to be on their side otherwise they would not have come to me in the first place. Similarly , at home I’m often torn between being myself and being the perfect daughter. I scare myself sometimes with the level of detachment that I feel towards the status quo: I’m one of those people that if I didn’t have the parents that I have I’d probably never get married and just have a couple of babies out of wedlock for good measure. I’d probably have written one or two novels hoping to get published and for money, I’d be writing jingles for advertisements.

I don’t really know what men want. It’s all well and good that when he met me he must have liked what he saw otherwise he would not have gone through all that hassle to get my number but then after the first few conversations and especially if I like him I start to wonder whether I’m really his type or whether I should make one or two character adjustments. I don’t know if I’m really laid back or really high strung. I think different people bring out a different side of me. One thing is for sure though, I need respect. As soon as I feel like this is being compromised , that laughing joking me is gone and replaced with a snarling bitch. You don’t mess with me wildcats!

I’m not sure if I really care for any ideology yet I can be very argumentative- I think it’s just my pride and I hate to lose. This is why midway through an impassioned debate about whether Obama or Clinton deserved the republican seat, my brain just goes slack and the argument becomes a quarrel about other issues. Truth be told, I don’t really care for politics it’s society that dictates what topics of conversation are considered worth debating by a young woman my age(current affairs) and which ones are simply frivolous( celebrities and shopping). I have an acute phobia of failure , this is probably why I never put in enough effort into anything so that if I fail at it, I can simply convince myself that I never really wanted to do it in the first place.

I do have a conscience though. But I think I’ve been socialised into having this conscience.I was brought up in a semi puritan household where certain topics were not even brought up. Sexuality is not a topic of conversation in my household and I always feel guilty about it. Often I wonder why I even bother feeling guilty about certain things because the world does not seem to care. Apparently all is fair in love and war- I mean who cares if you’ve stolen someone else’s boyfriend, you’re not going to let love pass you by just because he belongs to someone else temporarily? But what about if some other girl feels like your man is the one for her, who are you going to call now?My mantra is karma comes back around.

I can never keep up with the rules of dating. Left to me I’d call a man that I liked whenever I saw fit and pick up his calls whenever I damn well please but oh no!This is not the way it should be- you’re supposed to make him work hard. As far as I’m concerned this is why we have so many rape cases supposedly by ‘men who we are close to’ because we don’t start early enough to establish these boundaries. Me, my yes means yes and my no means no, if I’ve been saying no for six months I don’t think there’s likely to be a change of mind, and if I say yes the first time you ask; mmhmm I think it means that I like you. All these love games are a waste of my time and I’m not very patient.

I really wish that there could be some sort of indication when you meet the right person. like a trumpet sound or a blaring horn so that you know that you have to go up one gear because if you miss this person, you’re only going to have a series of grave mistakes coming your way.