Hey guys, yes for the first time I am actually addressing my audience directly. This is because I am actually about to seek people's opinions on a matter of extreme importance. This matter of which I am about to blog is a brand new phenomenon that has reared it's head out of nowhere and is so intense in its heat that everyone my age now has to sleep with the window open- the roof is most definitely on fire.
If you have not guessed by now, I am talking about the ubiquitous subject of marriage.
Since when did I become a person of marriageable age? Honestly I can tell you that for the longest time I kidded myself, or perhaps I genuinely didnt think I was qualified, that marriage was a far-off notion that I did not have to worry about. At least not just yet. Oh yes, I had friends who were single, some had boyfriends but you know the sort of thing where you are friends with the boyfriend, you go out as a group but I had not been to a wedding in over 5 years! All the weddings I had previously attended were amongst people in the older generation: you know, like my aunties and uncles or my older cousins who made me prefix their names with the word 'aunty' because they were that much older than me.....
Things are not the same. All of a sudden now, it's like I've just received an avalanche of overdue memos- when are you going to settle down? How come you are still single? You know you should be more focused and Why aren't you giving any thought to marriage? The most shocking thing is that I have been to more weddngs in the last two years than in my whole lifetime combined! And even more shocking is the fact that these brides and bridegrooms are like, my age.
Stay so cool. So every other day I have conversations with my girlfriends about themselves or about their friends dreading their next birthday because they are turning 28 on their next birthday. I think 28 is the unwritten point of no return where every girl who is not plannng a wedding or engaged to be married will officially get suicidal.
Since when did not having marriage on your mind make you an unserious person? Don't get me wrong I would love to get married asap but not at all costs. I have often fantasised about meeting that special man who sweeps me off my feet and then the surprise engagement and then the wedding. But these are all step by step right? I mean how okay is it for a girl(or a guy) to proclaim that s/he is looking for a partner. I mean, shouldn't it just happen? When you force it, is there not a possibility that you might overlook essential things like compatibility and how you get along simply because you have found 'a man who wants to get married and has a good job'? Doesn't it potentially put off a guy who may otherwise be your ideal guy if every second you remind him that if he is not ready for marrriage you aren't interested.
It makes marriage seem a bit like an ambition and a competition, the fastest to the aisle....forgetting that life carries on after the wedding day, yes the ring is on your fourth finger and your 28th birthday is in two weeks but does the man have a face, and a heart and a soul?
I'm in my 28th year - I'll hit the so-called point of no return in less than a year. I must confess that I used to think about marriage the way I thought about university when I was 12. Something that will happen because it's the next thing. So almost 28...am I suicidal? Not really Do I want to get married? Not sure.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you mean. I've noticed recently that a number of my friends are getting married or are having babies. I feel no great urge to do the same just because they are. I believe it will all happen in God's good time. Focus on being the best version of you - whoever is meant for you will come as a consequence.
ReplyDeleteYaro
Sweetie whether we like it or not, its just human nature. For example, when you were leaving high school and most of your friends were going to college or uni, you felt a need to go to at all cost. The only thing is that Marriage is with someone else and its for life and so you have to get it right. With Uni, you transfer to another school or even take a year out or whatever. with marriage you're stuck forever!! there is no year out, no time out, no transfer, nothing of that sort.
ReplyDeleteSo why rush???
choose wisely and be patient.
you can read my journey of love part 1&2 on my blog
bunmionanubi.blogspot.com
I feel like society is still in the phase of marriage being the end all for a woman. I am in the early 30s and have seen most of my friends getting married. However, I have also seen some of them get divorced (ALREADY!).
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger, I think I had visions of when I would marry, what it would be like, the number of children I would have, etc. But now, I think, if it comes, so be it.
If not, so what? I say that now, but with each wedding invitation, I suffer from a when-is-my-turn disorder.
The only issues, really, is society.
I think many people are starting to see marriage as not a necessity, but there are still the masses who follow the 'old-school' way that every woman should be married and have 2.5 kids and take care of her husband.
When more women step up and introduce themselves as not "needing", but rather, just "wanting" a man, when more people start to understand that marriage is not vital, when more women step up and let people know that they are independent and can survive in that manner, then marriage will be an optional journey rather than the ultimate destination for women.
oh yeah i am beginning to feel the pressure lol especially when boyfriends use the fact that u r approaching 28 as a form of bait to keep you in a relationship you are better off without and ex boyfriends make it their duty to monitor your progress in the dating scene- waiting, hoping and wishing for the opportunity to gloat at your "misfortune" of not getting a guy to hook you by your expiry date :-)
ReplyDeleteTrying to decide on the guy to settle down with is also all confusing and a bit fuzzy. Is it just me or are girls of "marriageable" age finding that they are being bombarded with suitors left, right and centre? most of the suitors with some or most of the qualities you want in your husband but not quite hitting the mark and the more you turn down, the more you wonder if you will one day end up like one of those legendary women society constantly remind us of, that were left on the shelf for being too picky and then turning desperate after all marriage offers dry up!
Personally i think pressure to marry is a form of peer pressure and if you rush into it not quite ready it would be at the expense of your wealth, health and happiness. Women and families need to start looking beyond the wedding ceremony with all its glitz and glamour and focus on the fact that marriage is a the life changing decision that shouldn't be taken likely.I rather be a happy singleton over 28 than an unhappy wife....
I think that the desire for marriage comes when you reach a point in life when you realise that you have gone through education, you've gotten a job, and the next logical step is to settle down with someone. I'm single, and I'm not desparate for marriage despite being 24, but that's because I start work next year, so I'm almost still in student mode. Ask me in two years if (God forbid) I'm still single, it will be a different story....
ReplyDeleteDeath to the "I must marry syndrome".
ReplyDeleteYou can't really blame some of the girls that are possessed by marriage because they're under so much pressure, from family to married friends to random strangers who don't respect you because you still bear your father's last name.
Its up to you to not absorb comments deriding your single status and stay true to finding that person you just can't live without because making a mistake in marriage is one of the worst things that could happen to a person.
@a.eye:maybe its the mentality of wanting and not needing that is the undoing of the 21st century woman. In the olden days a woman needed a man to take care of her and to have kids. In the older olden days women couldnt even own property without a man.
ReplyDeleteNow women are going around forming I can do it all by myself. maybe thats why its the end even before we start!
@temi: you're so right. The pressure is such that these so called friends and fam make you feel like its not even enough to be happy with your lot.Like you could be happier if only you just settled down.Know what I mean?
@Bunmi:I'm totally with you on that(even though you are married!(the other side,I'm joking)
@Third world: I have to admit I'm one of those people who on hearing of a successful woman who isnt married (Condoleeza Rice) begins to pity them and wonder what they do with themselves when they get back from work.We have been socialized into thinking this way and I am only just beginning to rebel against it.
Coco: Oh no, Im not trying to push you over a cliff on this one. I'm almost your age(wink!)
I think we as women need to re-write the rules and definitely not allow anyone, including ourselves, debase us because of spinsterhood. It is okay to wait to get married. There is no expiry date on any woman, neither is any woman less useful with time.
ReplyDeleteAll these "appropriate ages" for marriage are complete balderdash.
As I've said before, if we Nigerian women were raised with more important things on our life's-to-do-list, we wouldn't be putting expiry dates on ourselves at 28. 28?! Gimme a break!
Boys are trained to be adventurous, ambitious and independent while girls are trained to be well-mannered, domestic and charming so that after this education of a thing, we can go from under daddy's wings to under another man's wings.
I can't even stress how key it is to raise children with true purpose and the extra factor, which in this case is self-actualization, than to give them a list of things to do and tell them that "the happiest day of their lives will be when they go to their husbands' house"... (I'm so disgusted typing that)
When you do this, all you're telling a girl soon to be a woman, is that the crown of her accomplishments in life will be a man and nothing else compares. This is absolutely not okay!
By the way, that Anonymous comment about the 26-year-expiry-date-thing is annoying me. lol
find the person that makes you happy and with whom you are willing to spend the rest of you life. at that point you will be marriage material.
ReplyDeletefollow my blog at mbabaziannet.blogspot.com
Came over from third world. I think you guys have said it all. Get married when you find the right person, that's the best way to enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteNice blog BTW...
good question
ReplyDeletehmmn, like someone dear always says..'the moment you SET OUT to LOOK for a husband (or wife), u r making a very big mistake. i believe that these things should grow and evolve and mature. from aquaintances to friends and so on...Yes society and friends and family put pressure on us to be married but then can we really say that it does not go deeper than that? can we really say that we do not feel a certain lonliness sometimes? even when u have so many friends and family around you but no 'special person'. i have often wondered why God saw Adam, who was in the garden with so many creatures around him, who had never known another human being and still considered him lonely, hence the creation of Eve. i think that there is a place in every persons heart that was created for only the opposite sex to fill, if not i dont think that God would see Adam as lonely and he definitely wouldnt have wasted resources creating two kinds of humans.
ReplyDeleteBut then, in all this..as much as it is good to be with someone, it doesnt have to be just anyone. we all need to be careful and wise, trying as much as possible to block out the pressure and finding the right friend to be with. Age has nothing to do with it. unfortunately fairy tales have messed up our heads and girls see a wedding and go all weepy and dreamy. forgetting that marriage is life and the wedding is the least important part of it all.
A dude here ... I don't think society's choice of an expiration date or whatever is random. It's obviously tied to the notion of the family as the cornerstone of society and the time sensitive role that women play in the formation of said families (baby making!). Now that, if only in the West, adoption is more accepted and less stigmatized thanks to society maturing (I'd also like to give a shout out to Angelina and the rest of Hollywood for their part in making this possible) it stands to reason that the reproductive role of women in the family should, at the margin if not on average, become less important. Good stuff too because it only slightly lags the emergence of women on (at the very least) equal footing with men in terms of relevance in the labor force.
ReplyDeleteNote that I've tied the purpose of marriage to family. In my obviously limited opinion, except for tax and other fiscal benefits I see no reason for marriage if one doesn't want to start a family. Clearly Nigerian society doesn't see things that way ESPECIALLY when it comes to women which is unfortunate I think.
Last but not least I think people forget that relative to the length of humankind's existence, the notion of 'love' (whatever the heck that is) as the foundation of marriage is new (I think Shakespeare has a lot to do with it). I personally think the idea of waiting for the accidental romance and someone who loves you for who you are and yiddi yadda is overrated. There are many other dimensions on which to measure a potential partner that probably end up being way more relevant for long term marital success and happiness than whether or not the person gives you butterflies. Love should be the icing on the cake.
Hi David!:I'm a bit relieved that you're speaking in terms of 'waiting' to get married in the face of pressure cooker conditions. I think,though, that society still owes a duty to us to remind us of our culture and the role that family plays in it. The only thing that I will say which will now make me sound like one of my 50-something year old aunties is that as we women get older the choice available to us is narrowed down because all the girls who listened to the afore-mentioned aunties have snapped up all the good men and all we will be left with are the dregs that noone wants.
ReplyDeleteLilicious: right on! I like what you said about the void that only the opposite sex can fill.
Mr Anonymous Dude right below her: Phew I've been dying for a bloke's perspective. For you to quote Shakespeare concerning love then the idea must not be that new(his books were written in the 17th c)!But I wholly agree that marriage is a practical affair as much as an affair of the soul but not with the idea of marriage as tied to family. I believe, and perhaps most females do, in the concept of companionship and all things being equal(not being as barren as the desert)it may the ultimate factor in choosing a life partner.
Hmmm.... really nice write up and you hit the nail on the head. In the Nigerian society there is high pressure on young women to get married and sometimes it is more of peer pressure than from relatives.
ReplyDeleteI've always dreamed of getting married when I feel ready and more importantly when I meet the person who makes me happy and loves me unconditionally. I however don't think it is right for a female to jump into marriage because she don't want to be the only one out of her friends that is still single or because she just wants the title Mrs.
I totally agree with you that people should look beyond that big they and think of the life they will have after with the person they are marrying. I always say a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage so we all ought to be careful. All that said and done, I believe that companionship is important and I admire the fact that marriage yields a new family and brings people together so I am all for it. I also think it is important to pray about it and think ahead when dating.
Some people act like it's a race or competition but it should not be. We will all get there when the time is right so we shouldn't compare ourselves to others in terms of the right time for settling.
Chisanya W
I'm setting my reminder to comment on this after my exam on the 14th. Lol. Marriage o Marriage.! Gosh x
ReplyDelete